


i need somebody

by tensbaek



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Cuddling & Snuggling, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Lots of denial, M/M, Requited Love, Sharing a Bed, Unrequited Love, sunwoo is bad at feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:02:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28569678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tensbaek/pseuds/tensbaek
Summary: One day Sunwoo will work on that part of his brain that processes emotions and go to therapy or something. Today is not that day.or,Sunwoo cant sleep if its not with Changmin, and he's really bad at feelings.
Relationships: Ji Changmin | Q/Kim Sunwoo
Comments: 31
Kudos: 135





	i need somebody

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first tbz fic and i've never written anything this long before so thank you for starting this journey with me.
> 
> This one goes out to Gab and Kye (jurics boyfriend) mwah.

The sky doesn’t spare Sunwoo any mercy as he watches the sun rise over the skyline of Seoul. He can hear Kevin in the kitchen indicating to Sunwoo that it must be around six in the morning, if the sunrise didn’t make that clear enough. Kevin is an early riser, choosing to get up before the rest of them to make himself a protein filled breakfast and Sunwoo considers getting up to join him.

In the end he stays curled under his comforter wide awake, the only noise in the room is the soft breathing coming from above him as Changmin sleeps peacefully. 

It’s not that Sunwoo doesn’t sleep. He gets at least five hours a night, sometimes less, but usually only around promotions. It was typical for the members to be in less than savoury moods as they had progressively less time to sleep and this was usually fine, it was something they suffered together. This time was a little different. He was getting less than five hours of sleep a night, night after night, and there was no clear reason for it. 

Sure, he was stressed, but he has always been stressed. It felt like this sudden surge of insomnia came out of nowhere, and Sunwoo fears the more he dwells over it the less sleep he’s rewarded. 

Changmins feet hit the floor behind Sunwoo and his ears perk up at the sound of more voices, the kitchen sounding busier than it did a few hours ago and Sunwoo takes a deep breath to gear up for the sensory overload he’s about to endure. 

When he pads into the kitchen he’s met with a half asleep Hyunjae. He’s standing by the coffee machine watching the steam rise as if his life depends on it and he startles as Sunwoo approaches him, laughing a little as he observes Hyunjaes face. His left eye is still closed and the glassy look he only gets in his eyes when he would rather be anywhere than where he's currently standing is clearly evident in the morning sun and Sunwoo is silently glad he’s not going to be the only one looking tired at practice today.

“Get much sleep last night, hyung?” Sunwoos voice is hoarse, his throat coated with sleep deprivation and slight dehydration. He makes a mental note to drink more water today. 

“Enough, I think. I watched a youtube video before going to sleep and one turned into three and three turned into six.” Hyunjae stifles a yawn. “Do you know how many Canadians there are in Kpop?”

Sunwoo furrows his eyebrows. “No,”

“Yeah, well, I do.” Hyunjae says. Sunwoo waits for him to elaborate but he never does. 

“That's propaganda, Jacob and Kevin are the only Canadians in Kpop. Don’t worry yourself Hyunjae.”

Sunwoo turns to his right, alerted to Changmin’s presence. The dancer is light on his feet so it’s not a surprise neither of them heard him enter the kitchen to wash his breakfast dishes. 

“What?” Hyunjae asks, not breaking eye contact with the coffee machine. 

“Never mind,” Changmin rolls his eyes. He looks at Sunwoo then, and smiles at him with too much enthusiasm for Sunwoo to handle on little sleep. “Good morning.” 

“Morning,” Sunwoo mumbles back behind a small smile. The coffee machine beeps, bringing his attention to it and Sunwoo pretends the moths in his stomach are caused by the aroma of coffee beans, and not by the brush of Changmin's arm on his as he exits the kitchen. 

They get through practice without any hiccups and thankfully Sunwoo is feeling a lot more energetic than he was hours ago. 

He loves dancing, and he loves performing, the thrill of practicing for a new stage is a high no drug could ever replicate and he laughs as he messes around during breaks with the members.

Chanhee and Eric are standing by the mirrors shuffling their playlists and competing to see who can remember the choreography to those songs the fastest. They swear up and down that this is practice, that they need to know all the routines to all the recent songs so that they don’t look stupid on variety shows when they’re asked to play random dance games; the rest of them know it’s an excuse for the both of them to show off how much knowledge they each have. It’s entertaining to watch, and eventually they all get involved, their collective major character flaw being competitiveness. 

A girl group song comes on that is unfamiliar to Sunwoo, so he steps aside as Eric and Haknyeon bicker over what the correct moves are. He’s standing by himself when Changmin silently approaches him, handing him a water bottle as a peace offering.

Sunwoo thanks him and he hums in response, distracted by the choreography crime being committed before him. Sunwoo watches as his nose twitches with the urge to step in and it makes him giggle.

“Don’t even try to step in, you know Haknyeon would eat you alive.” Sunwoo tries to hide the amusement dancing in his eyes for his own safety and sits down against the wall. He groans as his thighs protest against the movement and plants his feet heavily on the floor shoulder width apart, stretching his legs out. There's an alarming crack and Changmin chortles at him, raising an eyebrow playfully.

“Are you twenty or are you fifty?”

Sunwoo takes a mouthful of water and perks his lips at Changmin, acting like he’s going to spit it at him. Changmin squeaks and then kicks him softly in the thigh. He plops down next to him, stretching his legs as far as they can go, which isn’t very far but Sunwoo figures he’s already on thin ice, so he doesn’t say anything. 

“You wanna get chicken with Chanhee and I later?” Changmin asks, elbowing Sunwoo lightly to get his attention. Sunwoo acts like Changmin doesn’t already have it and shrugs.

“Sure. When?”

“I don’t know, whenever I’m done in the studio, or whenever Chanhee decides he’s going to die of hunger. Whatever comes first.” Changmin says slowly. 

“Sounds good.” Sunwoo adds, and then they're sitting in comfortable silence. He stretches his legs out next to Changmin's and has to bite back a smile at the tiny difference in their height. 

“Don’t,” Changmin warns and Sunwoo can feel his glare. 

“I didn’t say anything,” Sunwoo said, tapping Changmin's foot with his own. 

Changmin taps his foot back and speaks to him again, this time a little more serious than he had previously. “You okay?”

Sunwoo looks at him. He searches his eyes for an explanation, but Changmin doesn’t give one. He simply reaches his hand up and brushes the dark circles under Sunwoo’s eye softly with the back of his knuckle. 

Sunwoo feels his heart pick up speed. He didn’t realise he looks as tired as he feels, or that Changmin was watching him closely enough to notice the signs of little sleep. The thought makes Sunwoo’s stomach churn. 

“Oh,” Sunwoo breathes out acutely. “Yeah, I didn’t sleep very well last night but it’s nothing serious, I’ll be fine tonight.” 

Sunwoo almost feels bad for lying, except it didn’t really feel like one. It was nothing, at least to Sunwoo it felt that way. He had no idea why for the last few weeks he’s struggled to fall asleep, there was no event that triggered it. The first night he didn’t sleep was on a day off and he had spent the whole day watching movies with Changmin. He figured he had too much energy and that’s why he couldn’t sleep, but then it continued. He spent his nights thinking, and overthinking, about everything. About the group, about his future, whether he’s doing the best he can be, whether he’s being a good friend and a good idol to their fans. To no avail, he doesn't come up with any answers. 

“If you say so,” Changmin digresses, not sounding convinced. “I hope you sleep tonight,” he says and Sunwoo smiles at him, “You look ugly with dark circles.”

He’s up and running across the room before Sunwoo gets a chance to grab him, filling the area with his contagious laughter. 

Changmins studio felt comfortable to Sunwoo. Maybe because it has the three most comforting members, in his opinion, or maybe it was the way it was decorated. They have a light that changes colours, right now it’s shining an ocean blue hue over the room, casting a comforting feeling over the walls, and there are movie posters sticking to the back wall. It reminds Sunwoo of his room back in middle school. They have a makeshift bed in one corner that is decorated with colourful plushies and soft throw blankets and it feels like a cloud when Sunwoo rests his head on the pillows. 

It's just a futon and maybe it was the lack of sleep he had gotten the night before, but Sunwoo thinks that this is the comfiest bed he’s ever laid in. 

He’s scrolling through his phone, his brow furrowed due to the light and he can feel a headache coming on. He can tell his eyes are rough around the edges and all he wants to do is close them, but he can’t. He’s waiting for Changmin to be done with work so they can go out to eat, Chanhee was supposed to come with them but he left early to get pizza with Haknyeon. Jacob and Hyunjae had left too, after Hyunjae had finished his live and yawned several times in a minute Jacob forced him to go home. Hyunjae only agreed if Jacob came with him and Sunwoo pretends he doesn’t see the blush on the back of Hyunjaes neck when Jacob takes his hand and pulls him out of the room. 

Now it was just Sunwoo and Changmin, and Sunwoo considered leaving but they were the last ones at the company and he didn’t want Changmin going back alone. 

He doesn’t hear Changmin get up and cross the room but he’s alerted to his presence when his phone is lifted out of his hands. 

“Go to sleep, Sunwoo.” Changmin says, sliding his phone onto the desk and out of his reach. 

“No,” Sunwoo yawns despite himself. “We have to go home.”

“It’s too late to go home now, we’ll just sleep here.” Changmin nudges Sunwoo to move over. “That’s what this thing is for anyway.”

It takes Sunwoo a minute to register the fact that Changmin is sliding under the covers next to him and he looks up to the computer Changmin was working at to see that he had turned everything off. Changmin turns to face Sunwoo and he gulps at their proximity, he can feel Changmin's breath brush his cheek and it sends tingles down his neck. 

Sunwoo looks at him but Changmin is looking away, staring at the wall behind Sunwoo. He seems distracted, and so Sunwoo takes this moment to be selfish. He stares at Changmin, at his eyes, shaped like Almonds, at his nose, perfectly sloped and round. He wishes he had his nose. At his lips, he was pouting and Sunwoo wanted so badly to rub his thumb over the mole sitting perfectly under Changmin's lower lip. He was just curious, he wanted to feel it. 

He looks back at Changmin's eyes and sees the dark circles under them, they mirror Sunwoos and he wonders if Changmin has been lying awake at night as well. 

Changmin startles when Sunwoo rubs his knuckle gently across the dark circles adorning Changmin's eyes, the same way Changmin had to him earlier that day, but he doesn’t flinch away. He shifts his eyes to look at Sunwoo and he isn’t quite sure what the emotion that flashes in Changmin's eyes is but it makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. 

“You okay?” Sunwoo whispers, repeating the question Changmin had asked him earlier. 

“I’m okay,” Changmin whispers back. “I just worked a lot today.”

Sunwoo hummed in response. “You were on your computer for hours, what were you doing?”

Changmin curls closer to Sunwoo, tucking his chin on Sunwoos shoulder. “I was writing.”

“Songs?” Sunwoo asks, moving back a little so he can look at Changmin. He nods. “For The Boyz?”

Changmin moves back, although it doesn’t create much distance between them. They’re still pressed up against each other and Sunwoo can feel Changmin's shoulders brush his when he shrugs. 

“Maybe, maybe not, I don’t know. I think I might keep it for awhile.” He says. 

“Can I hear it?” 

“One day.” He answers, turning his head to smile at Sunwoo.

“Can’t wait.” Sunwoo smiles back. 

They start talking about the new choreography, about how tricky it is and how much energy they have to exert for it. Somewhere between Sunwoo saying he can’t remember the second half and Changmin saying he keeps messing up at the part around the chorus Sunwoo falls asleep. 

When he wakes up he’s curled around Changmin, his head tucked perfectly under Changmin's neck and his arms are holding him securely in place. The studio is dark and so Sunwoo figures he’d only slept for a few hours but when he pulls Changmin's phone out of his pocket he’s surprised to see that the time is 9am.

He sees a text from Jacob, asking Changmin if he wants them to bring them clothes to change into before practice and Sunwoo punches in the passcode he's not supposed to know, answering the text for him. Sunwoo had fallen asleep in his practice clothes without a shower and he feels gross, he’ll have to shower in the gym showers before practice. He then sees a message from Chanhee that reads ‘did you do it?’ and Sunwoo chooses to leave that one unread, whatever they’re talking about is none of his business. 

Changmin wakes up confused when Sunwoo tries and fails to slowly put his phone back in his pocket. “What are you doing to me?” His voice is hoarse and Sunwoo should be immune to Changmin's morning voice by now but suddenly he’s hyper aware of his body, his nerve endings tingling suspiciously.

“I was checking the time on your phone, sorry for waking you up.” His voice echoes Changmin's and Sunwoo tries not to think about how his morning voice might affect Changmin.

“What's the time?” Changmin hasn’t even opened his eyes yet. 

“Nine,” 

“Let’s go back to sleep,” Changmin says, pulling Sunwoo up so he can curl into his body. 

Sunwoos arms instinctively hold Changmin around the waist, and he can already feel sleep overtaking him again when he says, “The members will be here in an hour.”

“They can wake us up when they get here.” Changmin yawns. He wasn’t suggesting it, his tone implied that it was fact. Sunwoo was already falling back to sleep when he said it and so he let it be, he deserved another hour, anyway. 

Sunwoo is awake. Like, really awake. He slept undisturbed the night before, which scares him about sleeping tonight. He hopes that whatever this weird sleeping phase he’s been experiencing for weeks was exactly that, a phase, and that now he’s back to normal again. He tries not to think about it because if he psychs himself out too much he won’t sleep, and he’ll be a little crushed if that happens. He considers calling his mum to ask how she got him to sleep through the night as a baby because that’s exactly how he feels. Like a baby.

It’s frustrating. He’s frustrated. He’s exhausted and he can barely keep up the energy in practice most days, he gets headaches from the lights and he feels like his brain is suspended in the air, detached from himself and halting any cognitive functions. He knows some of them notice because usually he’s a ball of unattainable fire. Juyeon looks at him with concern when he asks Sunwoo to do something and Sunwoo says _yes, hyung_ and gets up to do it, and Haknyeon looks at him with curiosity when he stumbles in choreography he’s done a million times. 

Sunwoo is an energetic person, he likes to hang out with friends for hours and play games and eat and hit the town and he likes working but these days the minute he’s free he runs home and prays he can sleep. 

That’s what he’s doing now. He’s comfortable and his eyes are closed and he’s not really thinking about anything, but sleep isn’t coming to him. Maybe last night was a fluke, a sick joke from God or something. 

He rolls over and checks his phone for the time and throws it roughly at the end of his bed when **_4:07_ **blinks at him. He feels tears of frustration spring to his eyes but he rubs them away, he doesn’t want to turn up to practice with puffy eyes and raise more concern than there already is. 

He rolls back over and pulls his covers over his head, sniffling loudly. If he was going to be upset he may as well throw himself a pity party while he’s at it.

He’s somewhere between _am i broken_ and _did i eat dinner?_ when the covers are pulled up from where he has created a blanket burrito to reveal a sleepy looking Changmin frowning down at him. 

“Are you crying?” Changmin asks, not waiting for an answer before he slides in next to Sunwoo. 

“No,” Sunwoo croaks, his throat aching from the tears he’s actively holding back. 

“Sure,” Changmin says as he pulls Sunwoo into his embrace. He squeezes gently once and then moves his head to look at Sunwoo, delicately moving hair out of Sunwoos eyes. “If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been having a shit day.”

Sunwoo snorts. “And why would that make me feel better?” 

“Because you’re having a shit day too and I want you to know you’re not alone,” Despite his kind words his tone of voice is snappy. “Thanks for making me spell it out, it sounds disgusting now.”

Sunwoo circles his arms around Changmin's waist and pulls him impossibly close when he says, “Thank you. But why is your day bad?”

“I’m glad you asked,” Changmin replies. Sunwoo rolls his eyes but he can’t fight off the fond grin. “I messed up the new choreography so many times I lost count, I deleted an audio file I needed and then my mic kept cutting out when I re-recorded, my sister was busy so she couldn’t call me and now I’ve been lying awake for the past two hours waiting for sleep that never comes.”

“Which part of the choreography are you struggling with?” Sunwoo asks. He already knows which part he’s struggling with but he wants to hear Changmin's voice, he wants him to talk until Sunwoo doesn’t feel like the walls of his life are crushing him anymore. 

Changmin is silent for a minute, and Sunwoo knows it’s because he knows Sunwoo knows what part of the choreography he’s struggling with, he literally told him that morning. But instead of questioning him Changmin tells him anyway. As he talks he lightly strokes Sunwoos arm with the tips of his fingertips and every word he says vibrates against Sunwoos cheeks. It’s relaxing, and Sunwoo finds himself drifting off. He tries desperately to fight it off, despite the fact that minutes before he was about to beg God in several different ways to put him to sleep, but he wants to hear Changmin talk. He had moved the conversation onto something that had happened to him in the store on the way home from work and Sunwoo clings onto every word. 

Eventually he falls asleep, and he doesn’t hear the end of Changmin's story. When he wakes up and looks at Changmin's sleeping face, he smiles. Although it didn’t sound eventful, and Changmin was just talking for the sake of talking, Sunwoo was grateful for the amount of sleep he had, even if the way he wakes up is to the sound of Chanhee yelling at Eric in the next room. 

Sunwoo really didn’t mean to eavesdrop, honestly. 

There were only five of them at home, including himself, so the house was relatively quiet. He thought they had all gone to bed, but when he gets out of the shower and heads towards his room he can hear raised voices. 

He’s a nosey person, especially when it comes to the relationship between his members. Team dynamic is important for a well running machine like The Boyz and so Sunwoo is fine tuned to anything that could jeopardise that. This is how he justifies himself when he sneaks up to the bedroom door, pressing his ear against it, instead of walking inside and interrupting whatever was happening. 

Okay, so maybe he did mean to eavesdrop. 

Immediately he recognises Changmin's voice, but it’s not playful or gentle like it usually is. He’s speaking low, and he’s speaking fast. 

“Stop treating me like I’m naive, I’m aware of what’s happening,” He hears Changmin say. 

“I just don’t understand, if you know the consequences of your actions then why continue?” The other voice is Chanhee. Changmin is trying to keep his voice down but Chanhee is not, apparently way too upset to consider his volume. 

“Because,” Changmin says, cutting himself off mid sentence. There’s silence, and then he repeats himself, this time quieter and less rushed. “Because…”

Sunwoo hears movement, someone sitting down on a bed he thinks. There’s more silence before Chanhee speaks again, this time at a normal register and Sunwoo has to strain himself to catch the words. 

“You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep this up, Changmin.” He says. “And I’m sorry for being so pushy and opinionated. I just love you, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to see you hurting.”

“I know, thank you, but I have this under control.” Changmin says. There’s another pause and then he says, “I promise.”

The conversation ends, and there’s silence on the other side of the door, so Sunwoo tip toes back to the bathroom and closes the door, then walks over to his room at his normal volume so it sounds like he wasn’t just becoming one with the bedroom door.

When he opens the door he finds Changmin and Chanhee sitting on Kevin’s bed. They’re holding hands but Sunwoo doesn’t pay much attention to it as he starts to get dressed. 

“The shower is free, Changmin,” Sunwoo says. Changmin thanks him and exits the room quietly, and Sunwoo can feel eyes on his back. 

He turns to find Chanhee standing by the door, he’s looking at him blankly and it makes Sunwoo uncomfortable so he makes a joke. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

Chanhee exhales through his nose, his lips pulling into a small smile. “Goodnight, Sunwoo.” 

“Night,” Sunwoo says as he watches the older walk away. The room settles and he can’t help but notice a weird tension. 

He tells himself he’s imagining it, puts the conversation he heard behind him, and climbs into bed. 

It’s the next night when Sunwoo starts to panic. 

He went live to wind down after practice and it only lasted ten minutes before Chanhee entered the studio, practically inviting himself to the live. Sunwoo would be lying if he said it bothered him, he loved it when the members joined him, it became funny that way. Although, too many times they had begun talking and bickering amongst themselves, forgetting the live was streaming. It hasn’t caused them any trouble. Yet. 

They’re talking about practice and Sunwoo is telling a funny story about Changmin and Juyeon. Chanhee laughs and shows Sunwoo his phone, revealing a text from Changmin reading “ _Yah! You kids are so mean to me. I’m gonna come and beat you up”._ They laugh and Chanhee writes back “ _Sure~”_ which he immediately regrets, because this is Changmin they’re talking about. Sunwoo jumps up to lock the door but Changmin slams it open before he gets the chance. 

They play fight and bicker amongst themselves for a while, Changmin sticking around longer than he intended to. Changmin and Chanhee start bickering about something that Sunwoo wasn’t involved in and so he takes Chanhees phone from his hand, a task he finds difficult as Chanhee is emphasising every word with a hand gesture, and reads the comments. 

He laughs at a few of them, interrupts the boys to read them a few, and then he sees a couple that make his stomach clench. 

_sunwoo looks at changmin the way i look at changmin_

_chanhee is third wheeling_

_my ship is real!_

_sunwoos eyes sparkle when he looks at changmin_

_should we leave sunwoo and changmin alone?_

_sunwoo we are here too_

He’s confused. Does he look at Changmin differently? Has Chanhee noticed? Has Changmin? 

He gives Chanhee the phone back, pushing the comments to the back of his mind so he doesn’t think too hard about them now. He’s conscious that he’s on live, and apparently his face is too easy to read, so he schools his expression and seamlessly jumps back into the conversation with them. 

He and Changmin start telling stories about what happens in the dorm, mentally apologising to the other members, while Chanhee quietly reads the comments, offering a little input here and there. Chanhee throws Sunwoo a few curious looks, moving his eyes over his face as he interacts with Changmin. Sunwoo tries to ignore him but he starts to feel nervous. 

Maybe he’s being paranoid. Maybe Chanhee didn’t see the comments about Sunwoo, maybe he’s not analysing his face. 

That night he comes to realise Chanhee had definitely seen the comments. 

Sunwoo decides to sleep on the couch. Sometimes he prefers that, prefers his own space and the natural light that wakes him up in the morning. Sleeping out here was a change of scenery and sometimes it tricked Sunwoos brain into sleeping. Tonight, though, was for a different reason. 

When Sunwoo entered his room after getting ready for bed he ran into a half naked Changmin, who was standing by his dresser seriously debating over what shirt to wear to bed. Sunwoo did what he does best and ignores the tiny fire that was igniting at the pit of his stomach, doing mental acrobatics to avoid thinking about the comments from earlier, and walks over to his own dresser. 

Changmin is talking to him about something, probably their day, and falls onto his bed dramatically, heaving a loud sigh. Sunwoo looks at him in amusement but when their eyes meet he feels uneasy. Changmin is looking at him fondly when he starts to tease him about his cute Winnie the Pooh sweater and it’s a little too much for Sunwoo to handle. Whatever he’s feeling, whatever emotion is plaguing his body, he doesn’t want to deal with it tonight. 

Changmin pouts at Sunwoo when the younger grabs his pillow and a blanket from his bed. “I was gonna ask you if you wanted to play games with me.”

Sunwoo isn’t tired, and he would love to play games, but right now he needs some space. He says, “Sorry, I’m pretty tired. Maybe Eric will play with you.”

He bids Changmin a goodnight and drags himself into the lounge, sighing contentedly when he lands on the soft couch. 

Sunwoo isn’t stupid, he’s had crushes before. The girl in his class who smelt like lavender, the boy who opened the door for him at a cafe once. He knows he has a crush on Changmin. He wasn’t sure how long he'd felt like this, only admitting this fact to himself as he stares at the ceiling. The feeling in his stomach felt familiar but the electricity running through his nerves felt taunting. 

He couldn't have Changmin. He lives with him, shares a room with him, shares friends with him, shares a stage with him. Even if he reciprocated Sunwoos feelings, which Sunwoo doesn’t think he will, they couldn’t be together. They had to think of the group and their careers. What would happen if they dated and then broke up? The dynamic of the group would be thrown off and their fans would surely pick up on it. Sunwoo and Changmin are far too close for the fans to not notice a shift in their behaviour. What if their breakup is messy, and he breaks Sunwoos heart, and then Sunwoo is miserable every day of his life until they disband? 

He doesn’t even know if Changmin is gay. It’s a fact that startles him for a second. They’d never discussed their sexualities before and Sunwoo just assumed that meant they were straight, but he hadn’t said anything either, and he’s far from straight. He decides this is a topic for another sleepless night and tucks it away for later. 

He feels his heart ache a little, and the sting in his eyes is unwelcome. He stares blankly at the ceiling, willing the tears to go away. He won’t cry about this, he can't. If he allows himself to cry over this it means admitting it, admitting he’s in love with Changmin and admitting that there’s nothing he can do about it. He’d prefer to wake up tomorrow morning and shove the feelings down until eventually he forgets about them. 

He thinks he’s being selfish by keping this to himself for the sake of his own career. Or maybe it’s him being selfless, because he’s thinking of the members and their careers. He chooses the latter, even though deep down he doesn’t feel that it’s genuine. 

He doesn’t hear Chanhee come in, the older boy padding softly into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He fills an extra cup with cold water and takes it over to Sunwoo, stirring him out of his train of thought by pressing the chilly glass to Sunwoos cheek. Sunwoo jumps and looks at Chanhee and then at the glass, he doesn’t really need a drink but he sits up and takes it anyway, knowing that the water is an excuse for Chanhee to talk to him. 

The older boy sits down next to Sunwoo and pulls his legs up onto the couch, making himself small as he leans into Sunwoos side. He sips his water and sighs. “Nothing hits harder than a good glass of water at 3am.”

Sunwoo raises his eyebrows a little. It’s only 3am? He snickers and finishes the rest of his glass, thanking Chanhee when he leans over and places it on the coffee table. 

“Why are you up?” He asks Chanhee. He silently curses himself because he knows he’s now expected to answer the question himself, prematurely feeling bad because he knows he’s going to lie to his friend. 

Chanhee shrugs and puts his arms around his legs tighter. “I was thinking,” He pauses for a minute, carefully contemplating his words. “I was thinking about dating.”

“Dating?” Sunwoo a little shocked at his answer. He expected Chanhee to interrogate him.

Chanhee hums in response. “I mean, I never really thought about it being a problem before. I didn’t think about it much at all to be honest, we were too busy. We are too busy. But one day I’m going to have time for a relationship, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to have that. You know?”

He looks at Sunwoo expectantly but Sunwoo _doesn’t_ know. He also hasn’t put much thought into dating. Obviously.

“We’re idols, how are we supposed to meet people? Normal people who don’t have crazy schedules? People who deserve to spend a lot of time with their boyfriends. Not fleeting phone calls and sketchy late night dates.” Chanhee huffs, his voice wavering in the slightest. Sunwoo prays he doesn’t start crying, because Sunwoo is so sensitive right now he thinks it would only take one tear from Chanhee to let himself break. 

“Are we supposed to date other idols?” Chanhee questions. “I don’t know if I want to do that, what if we never have time to meet?”

“It’s not impossible,” Sunwoo says in his best efforts to comfort Chanhee, but he doesn’t really believe his own words. 

“Maybe that's not what makes it impossible,” Chanhee says quietly, pulling at a loose thread in his pants. He sounds like he wants to say more, but he sucks his lips into his mouth and shrugs. 

“What makes it impossible then?” Sunwoo asks. 

Chanhee looks at Sunwoo, his eyes fluttering over his face, trying to find any sense of judgment or apprehensiveness. He makes eye contact with Sunwoo, and he holds it for at least a minute. Sunwoo looks back at him, wants him to know he has his full attention and his full support, and he can see the internal battle Chanhee is fighting with himself. 

Chanhee doesn’t break eye contact with Sunwoo as he swallows thickly and says, “I’m gay. It’s impossible because I’m gay.”

Sunwoos breath stutters. He’s twenty years old, he knows he himself is bisexual, but he had never even heard those words said out loud before. And now his best friend is saying them, and looking at him with so much anxiety it makes Sunwoo want to curl up. 

He takes Chanhees hand and squeezes it. “That still doesn’t make it impossible,” He says.

Chanhee smiles gratefully at him. Sunwoo can see tears collecting in the corners of Chanhee’s eyes the same way they collected in his earlier that night, but he knows Chanhee won't let them fall. Chanhee is looking at him almost expectantly, but Sunwoo doesn’t say anything.

“How?” Chanhee whispers. “There’s so many risks. If I date someone who isn’t an idol and we break up what if he out’s me? Or what if I date an idol and dispatch finds out, and outs us both. Our careers… my family. It’s so dangerous.”

Sunwoo bites his lip, hard. When thinking about dating Changmin he hadn’t even considered those risks, and to hear them said so bluntly like that makes his head throb. 

“It’s dangerous. You're right, it’s dangerous. But it’s not impossible, Chanhee. You’ll find love, and it’ll be okay. I promise.” Sunwoo says.

“I’m scared,” Chanhee whispers between them, like a secret that shouldn’t be shared when the bubble breaks. 

Sunwoo takes a deep breath. “Me too.” He says. 

Chanhee looks at him, not with shock, or surprise, but with affirmation. “Yeah?”

Sunwoo nods. “Yeah.”

He doesn’t think he’s brave enough to say the words out loud, he’s not as strong as Chanhee is, but he thinks that’s enough. The way Chanhee squeezes his hand lightly tells him it’s enough, that Chanhee knows. They sit in silence for a little bit, Chanhees head resting on Sunwoos shoulder and Sunwoos head leaning on Chanhees. Neither of them make a move to go back to bed, to try and sleep. 

“Sunwoo?” Chanhee’s voice is gentle as to not break the blanket of comforting silence that had engulfed the pair. 

“Mhm?” Sunwoo answers, lacking the energy to form words. 

“Do you love Changmin?” There it is, there's the question, and it’s the confirmation that Sunwoo isn’t paranoid, Chanhee _was_ watching him during their live. 

Sunwoo raises his head from Chanhees, avoiding Chanhees eyes when he looks at him. “It’s okay if you do,” he says. 

Sunwoo doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know how he feels, he doesn’t know when this started, and he knows it’s not okay. 

“I don’t know,” Sunwoo finally says, stumbling over his own words. “I just… I don’t know.”

Chanhee nods, moving his body until he’s in Sunwoos line of sight. He smiles at him warmly. “That’s okay, don’t rush yourself. And don’t let those comments confuse you,”

“You saw them?” Sunwoo questions despite already knowing the answer, but he wants to hear it. 

“I did, and don't worry, Changmin didn’t see them. I hadn’t noticed anything until I read them…” Chanhee trails off. 

Sunwoo looks at him. “Am I in love with Changmin?” He should be embarrassed at the despair in his voice, but he needs to be told. He can’t figure this one out on his own, it’s too hard. 

“I can't tell you that, Sunwoo. What I can tell you, though, is think about what I said tonight. I’m gonna be here the whole time, okay?” Chanhee says, smacking Sunwoo on the cheek softly. Sunwoo laughs and knocks his hand away playfully. “Except now, because I’m going to bed.”

Chanhee stands up lazily and drags himself over to his door. He turns to look at Sunwoo where he’s still sitting as before. Sunwoo yawns as he says, “Goodnight, Chanhee. Thank you,”

“You’re welcome. And thank you, too.” He laughs quietly. “Goodnight, Sunwoo. Get some sleep,”

And for once in the last few months, he does. 

For once the concern is not on Sunwoo. He takes pleasure in the fact until he realises the concern is focused on Changmin.

The older boy, no matter how hard he tries, cannot get a certain move down. He knows how much this is affecting him, how high Changmin holds himself, how much pressure there is on him to set a standard as the main dancer. And yet he’s the only one who can’t do it. 

Juyeon tries to approach him to help and Changmin does as much as bite Juyeons head off, so for the rest of the practice The Boyz pretend hey don’t see Changmin fumble in the reflection of the mirror. 

Sunwoo couldn't let this go, though. He would talk to him about it at some point, he doesn’t care if Changmin yells at him until he’s blue in the face. He cares about him, a little too much for his own good, and he doesn’t want Changmin to crumble.

When Sangyeon calls for the end of practice they all fall to the ground, whatever composure they were maintaining moments before in a weak attempt to seem less unfit than they were completely out the window. Eventually they get up and head to the showers, some choosing to shower at the company so that they can retire to their studios to work, others choosing to go home. Sunwoo waits for Changmin to pack up his things but the man never does, he just avoids Sunwoos eyes in the mirror as he runs through the choreography again. 

Sunwoo wants to say something, he will say something, but he gives Changmin some space first. So he goes to shower, gets changed into his comfy non practice clothes, bothers Jacob for a while and then circles back to the practice room. 

He prays Changmin isn’t in there, that he’s in the shower or in a car on his way home, but Sunwoo opens the heavy door to find an exhausted Changmin running through the difficult part of the choreography. 

Changmin acknowledges Sunwoos presence briefly before restarting the song on his phone. He nails every part of the choreography and if Sunwoo didn’t know Changmjn he’d have said he nailed the difficult part as well, but he did know Changmin, and they both knew he could do better. 

Changmin goes again and Sunwoo sighs loudly, raising his voice over the music. “Changmin,”

“Go home, Sunwoo,” Changmin cuts him off. 

Sunwoo makes a show by sitting down on the practice room couch dramatically. Changmin scoffs at him but starts the song again anyway. 

He does the routine a few more times and with every restart of the song Sunwoos heart aches more and more. He wishes Changmin wouldn't put so much pressure on himself every comeback to live up to the expectations that he’s set for himself. It exhausts him. Sunwoo can tell he hasn’t been sleeping well either, the bags under his eyes look daunting in the studio light. 

Sunwoo feels guilty for a second. He stays up at night for nothing, causing himself to overthink about stupid things, and Changmin lays awake at night beating himself up over work. 

Changmin stumbles and falls onto his hands and knees, his chest heaving. He falls into a seated position and Sunwoo runs over to him, kneeling down so he can look at him in the eyes. 

“Please,” Sunwoo says. He doesn’t need to say more for Changmin to know what he’s begging for. They do this dance every comeback. 

“Stay out of it,” Changmin huffs, although he doesn’t move to shove Sunwoos hand away.

“I can’t, I’m worried about you. You look like a mess, and you’re wearing yourself thin.” Sunwoo rushes out. 

Changmin scoffs. “You're one to talk,”

“What?” Sunwoos taken aback. He moves his hand away and stands up, looking down at Changmin. 

“Oh please, we’ve all noticed what’s happening Sunwoo. You’re not sleeping, and every time one of us tries to talk to you about it you avoid the subject. The others think it’s fine, it’s a fluke,” Changmin says, his tone dangerously close to the way he was speaking to Chanhee the other night. “But I share a room with you, I know, I see it, so don’t preach to me about taking care of oneself when you’re walking a fine line between life and death.” 

Sunwoo stands frozen. Of course Changmin had noticed, he always notices. Sunwoo was dumb to think he could fly under his radar. It makes his chest tight, he didn’t want any of them to know, especially Changmin, he had too much to worry about in the first place. 

Sunwoo isn’t sure what to say. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it, admit that he’s not fine and that he needs help. So instead he says, “That’s dramatic.” 

Changmin scoffs at him weakly, but he doesn’t push it. Sunwoo sits down in front of him, mirroring his criss cross position and says, “You’re crazy, you know that right?”. The tension between them lifts and Changmin smiles at him crookedly. 

“Crazy for you,” Changmin jokes, blowing a kiss at Sunwoo. 

Sunwoo fights off a blush and catches the kiss in his hand. “I’ll save this for later. In the meantime, let’s get you to the shower.”

Changmin pulls his arm back when Sunwoo reaches to grab it. “No,”

“No?” Sunwoo asks incredulously.

“No. I want to practice for at least another hour.” Changmin insists. He tries to stand but Sunwoos heavy hand on his shoulder forces him to sit still. 

“I don’t think so, mister,” Sunwoo says. “I think you’ve over exerted yourself enough for one day.”

Changmin stares at him, trying and failing to intimidate Sunwoo into backing down. He loses and heaves a sigh, “Fine,” He says. 

Sunwoo cheers and then helps him stand. They grab their things and Sunwoo forces Changmin into the shower stalls, telling him that he’ll wait for him in Changmin's studio. 

When Sunwoo enters the studio he smiles welcomingly at the futon, nay, cloud. “Hello friend,” He says and dumps his bag on Changmin's desk chair so he can crawl under the blanket and curl up. 

Changmin enters the room not long after Sunwoo has reacquainted with the futon and he sighs as he sits up, not ready to part with it just yet. 

“Goodbye, friend,” He says dramatically, petting the pillows,

Changmin laughs under his breath and puts his bag down on top of Sunwoos. He walks over to the futon and gestures to Sunwoo to move over, “I’m really tired, let’s just sleep here again.”

He curls into Sunwoos side and Sunwoo stares at him from his sitting position, not quite sure if he’s breathing or not. 

Changmin opens one eye and peeks up at Sunwoo, “Unless you don’t want to?”

Sunwoo shakes his head and plops down next to Changmin, pulling the covers up over their shoulders and snuggling close to the older boy. Changmin sighs contentedly and Sunwoo still can‘t breathe. 

Unlike the other night when Sunwoo was curled into Changmin, the older boy was curling into Sunwoo, holding Sunwoo a little too tight for comfort, but he knows that’s what Changmin needed. He needs comfort and reassurance, he needs to feel grounded. 

Sunwoo understands. 

He can feel the tension in Changmin's shoulders and tries his best to rub his back gently from the position they were in. He presses firmly when his hands run over his shoulders, absentmindedly giving Changmin a half assed massage. 

He knows Changmin is awake, he can feel him blinking against his chest. He moves his arms to engulf Changmin fully and he squeezes gently as he says, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of,”

Changmin breaks. He buries his face into Sunwoos chest as he lets his tears fall. Sunwoo can feel them seeping through his shirt but he doesn’t care, instead he just holds his friend tighter. 

“Why can’t I do it,” Changmin asks brokenly. “It’s not that hard, you can all do it. Why can’t I do it, Sunwoo?”

Sunwoo rubs Changmin's arm and shrugs, “I don’t know, baby. I think you’re just a little blocked right now, you’re stressed about the comeback and it’s affecting your work.”

Changmin sniffles, and Sunwoo tries to ignore the way the sound pulls at his heart strings. “You just need a break, how about tomorrow you focus on something else and then the next day we can go to the practice room and I can help you.”

Changmin nods, his breathing has evened out and he’s stopped hiding his face in Sunwoos chest. Sunwoo runs his hand through Changmin's hair and then tilts his face up to look at him, smiling sadly when he sees Changmin's eyes. 

He runs the pad of his thumb gently under Changmin's eyes, wiping away the excess tears. “Does that sound good?” He asks. 

“Yes,” Changmin sniffles. He smiles thankfully at Sunwoo, “Thank you.”

Sunwoo smiles back at him. “Of course."

"I got your shirt all wet." Changmin hiccups.

"Eh, I like my shirts soggy. Now let’s go to sleep, my muscles are killing me.” Sunwoo cracks his back to emphasise this. 

Changmin laughs quietly. “Mine too, we need to invest in a company bath,”

Sunwoo scrunches his nose, “That sounds disgusting actually.”

Changmin is silent for a moment as he thinks about the implication of a shared company bath, and then bursts into laughter. The sound makes Sunwoo smile, and he can’t help but laugh along as Changmin's laugh is everything and contagious. 

They continue joking around about things the company should add to their assets until eventually they both fall asleep.

It’s two days later and Sunwoo sticks to his promise to help Changmin with the choreography. They booked the practice room for a couple of hours, despite Changmin begging for at least four, and Juyeon tags along to watch. 

Juyeon doesn’t stay long, getting bored too easily when Changmin makes it clear the only one he wants helping him is Sunwoo. Juyeon leaves the room muttering something under his breath about the two of them, but neither of them pay much attention to it. 

Sunwoo plays the song and shows Changmin the move, then slows it down a few times and explains it the best he can again with the little knowledge on dance that he has. He’s a good dancer, one of the best in the group, but that doesn’t mean he knows anything about it from a technical point of view. He’s just gifted with magic bones. 

Changmin tries it, he fails the first few times but after Sunwoo interjects with some advice here and there he does it perfectly. They both cheer and run to start the song again, but Changmin messes up once more. He brushes it off and Sunwoo provides some unhelpful pep talks and starts the music again. He fails, then gets it right, then fails, then fails again. 

Sunwoo can see how stressed he is getting, his shoulders becoming tense. When Changmin is stressed his muscles stiffen and this negatively affects the way he moves but he’s too blinded by his determination that he doesn’t think clearly, and that’s why Sunwoo is here. 

Changmin walks to the speakers and huffs out a sigh and this is when Sunwoo decides to move. As Changmin's hand reaches for the play button Sunwoo circles his hand around his wrist and pulls him onto the floor. He sits opposite Sunwoo with his brows furrowed and Sunwoo ignores him as he promptly lays down on the cold hard floor, stretching his arms above his head like a satisfied cat. 

He can feel Changmin's eyes on him, even with his closed eyes. “Don’t fight it, this is my process.” 

Sunwoo opens his eyes languidly and looks at Changmin with a soft smile. Changmin had been staring at him intensely but when their eyes meet Changmin looks away quickly, fighting off a blush. 

“What?” Changmin says. “Your process is being lazy?”

“No,” Sunwoo snickers. 

“You’re impossible.”

It makes Sunwoo smile harder. He reaches his arm towards Changmin and wiggles his fingers in his direction. “Join me,” 

Changmin hesitates for a second, glancing over his shoulder once to look at the door. Sunwoo isn’t sure if he’s checking in case someone dares to see him ‘slacking’ off, or if it’s because he doesn’t want someone to see him as he takes Sunwoos hand and lays next to him, intertwining their fingers firmly. 

Sunwoo flexes his fingers in Changmin's and closes his eyes again, sighing happily. He feels Changmin's eyes on him so he turns his head and opens his eyes, fighting off the urge to flinch when his eyes meet Changmin's. Their faces are so close Sunwoo could count the eyelashes adorning Changmin's eyes. 

Unlike last time Sunwoo caught Changmin staring, he keeps his gaze on Sunwoos, unflinching. It makes Sunwoo feel warm. 

“What are we doing?” Changmin ask into the space between them. 

“We’re resting.” Sunwoo says simply. He isn’t sure if Changmin was asking what they were doing currently or if it was about something else, something Sunwoo is avoiding. Changmin has 20 eyelashes on his right eyelid. 

“Why?” Changmin replies. His voice is soft and small and kind of distant, like he’s not really interested in the answer. He has 50 eyelashes on his right eyelid. 

“Because it’s good to rest,” Sunwoo says. Changmin laughs softly. 

“I know how to rest, Sunwoo.” He has 80 eyelashes on his right eye lid. 

“I know you do, but you don’t see yourself the way I see you,“. 90. 

“How do you see me?” Changmin says it as if it’s a secret. He’s looking at Sunwoo still, he hasn’t taken his eyes off of Sunwoos and he wonders if Changmin had noticed him counting his eyelashes. Maybe Changmin is counting Sunwoos. 

“I noticed you were getting stressed, your muscles were tensing and it was causing you to mess up more which caused you to stress and I didn’t want the cycle to continue otherwise you’ll never get this down,” Sunwoo says. He’s finished counting the eyelashes on his right eye and finally properly looks at him. Sunwoo isn’t sure what he sees there but it takes his breath away. 

“How else do you see me?” Changmin pushes. The air between them has shifted, Changmin's hand suddenly feels a million times heavier in Sunwoos palm. 

“Beautiful,” Sunwoo says without thinking. Changmin's mouth quirks and Sunwoo scrambles to correct himself, saying something like you’re a beautiful dancer, a beautiful person, but he stops himself. He looks over Changmin's face, his pale lips quirked into a small smile, the birth marks on his skin, the curve of his nose, his eyes, so wide and attentive, so full of life and mirth and hardship and honesty. His eyelashes. 

Changmin waits for him to say more or to correct himself but then Sunwoo doesn’t. He breathes out through his nose and for the first time since they laid down he looks away from Sunwoos eyes. Sunwoo watches him scan Sunwoos face for some sort of joke and when he finds nothing he turns his head and looks at the ceiling. 

Sunwoo starts to worry that he’s broken something, that he’s breached a line in whatever unspoken thing was unraveling between them. But then Changmin laughs under his breath and mutters, “Idiot,” and Sunwoo knows it’s okay. 

Sunwoo is staring at the ceiling fan, trying to remember all the numbers of pie when Changmin climbs into his bed. He makes himself comfortable in the space Sunwoo wasn’t taking up, which wasn’t much, and holds his phone in front of his face, pressing play on some english youtube video he was watching. Sunwoo stares at him and waits for an explanation that doesn’t come. 

“Hyung?” Sunwoo questions. Changmin hums in response but doesn’t say anything, the video reflecting dull blue and white tones on Changmin's cheeks. 

“Changmin.” He says, slightly more firm. 

“What?” Changmin answers, he still doesn’t take his eyes off the video but he tilts his head in Sunwoos direction to let him know he’s listening. 

“What are you doing?” Sunwoo asks, but he hopes Changmin stays where he is. His warmth is already settling into Sunwoos bones. 

“I’m watching this video on fish, I want to be a good fish dad, Sunwoo.” Changmin mutters as the video starts. It’s in English and Sunwoo knows Changmin has no idea what most of these words mean but he doesn’t discourage him.

“That’s responsible of you. But I meant what are you doing in my bed?” Sunwoo snickers. He hopes asking this doesn’t make Changmin rethink his decision because Sunwoo is enjoying his warmth. He had just showered and the scent of watermelon was invading his senses. Watermelon is Sunwoos favourite scent so he moves closer to his friend.

“I thought you might want to watch it too, since this is also your room you’re basically going to be their other dad.” Changmin says it like this is the most obvious thing in the world.

Sunwoo wants to ask many things. Like, what about Kevin? He’s our roommate too. And, you know this is in english, right? And, you know I find this boring, don’t you? And, you want to have fish kids with me? And, can you move your foot? It’s digging into my shin. But he doesn’t ask any of these, because he doesn't really care about the answers. Instead he snuggles closer and rests his head under Changmin's chin, “So I can see better,” which is a flat out lie but Changmin doesn’t need to know that.

Sunwoo wakes up hours later when Kevin comes into the room and hits himself on the dresser on the way to climbing into bed. He smiles because he knows Kevin was trying to be quiet and didn’t want to turn the light on and disturb them, as kind as ever. Eric was never that considerate when they were roommates. Sunwoo remembers the alarm clock, as bad as it is from across the house it was even worse when all that was separating Sunwoo from the alarm clock was a mattress and Erics deadweight. 

Sunwoo figures he won’t fall back to sleep now so he decides to get up and sit on the balcony. They have a daybed out there because Kevin also has trouble sleeping so they both frequent the balcony at odd hours of the night. They have had many deep discussions before sunrise on that day bed, and Sunwoo makes a mental note to thank Kevin for being such a kind friend to him.

Sunwoo goes to sit up but finds himself in a tight embrace and it is only then that he realises he isn’t alone in bed. His eyes adjust in the dark room and he finds himself curled up with Changmin, he isn’t certain where his limbs end and Changmin's start, and he immediately scraps the idea of getting up.

He just doesn’t want to wake Changmin, he tells himself. He must've been tired. 

If Sunwoo has to spend the rest of the night awake he’d rather do it in Changmin's watermelon scented embrace than alone on the day bed. Except he doesn’t lay awake like he thinks he will, because when he opens his eyes again the sun is beaming into the room and he can hear Chanhee chasing Eric for setting his alarm on a weekend again.

Changmin's awake as well, his arms are still around Sunwoo but he holds his phone just above Sunwoos head as he watches a kdrama on mute. Changmin hasn't noticed him wake up and so Sunwoo uses this oppurtunity to stare openly at his friend for a moment before he has to get up and live his life. Although, he admits that that doesn't sound too bad today, seeing as he actually got a substantial amount of sleep.

Changmin smiles lazily at the subtitles of the drama and Sunwoo feels his heart skip a beat and his face get red. He doesn’t know how he didn't see it last night but it was obvious Changmin had realised Sunwoo sleeps better with some help. Sunwoo realises that every time he's slept well in the recent weeks is because he was sleeping next to Changmin, and that he didn't even have to play that boring video for Sunwoo to fall asleep. He thinks about everything Changmin has done and is doing for him, to think Changmin woke up and decided to watch something on his phone so he didn’t move or wake Sunwoo was making Sunwoos heart feel like it was on fire. He thinks about how much Changmin looks after him, not out of hyung obligation but because he actually cares about Sunwoo, thinks about how talented he is, how well spoken he is, how excited he gets over horror movies and how he’s been researching fish for a month because he wants to give them the best life he can, and he realises he can’t deny the way he feels anymore.

He has feelings for Changmin, true, raw feelings for his friend, his housemate, his coworker, but he doesn’t panic. The world doesn’t stop and Changmin doesn’t recoil and he doesn’t feel sick. Changmin is still smiling at his screen and Chanhee is still yelling at Eric and he thinks he just heard someone drop a glass and he doesn’t feel sick. This was supposed to happen, it’s like the universe knew he had feelings for Changmin and he’s finally being clued into the secret. 

He figures he should make his consciousness known, before Changmin finds him staring and he has to answer questions he’s not ready to answer yet, so he closes his eyes and stretches in his embrace. “Good morning,” He says.

Changmin startles but he doesn’t drop his phone on Sunwoos head, thank god. Instead he locks it and puts it on the bed behind him, using his now free hand to poke Sunwoo’s cheek. “Morning. How did you sleep?”

“Really well,” Sunwoo says. Changmin mutters something that sounds like _good,_ and then Sunwoo pauses before saying “Thank you,”

“You’re welcome, I also slept well thanks for asking,” Changmin says and Sunwoo laughs quietly. He really has it bad.

“No I meant.. for helping me sleep.” 

Changmin's eyes widen and he stumbles over himself before he finally spits out, “I just.. I noticed you were awake even though you said you were tired so I thought maybe if I played a boring video you’d fall asleep.”

Sunwoo wonders if Changmin has noticed what he has, that he only falls asleep when he's in his arms. “I didn’t fall asleep because of the video, though. It was because of you.”

Changmin looks like he's seen a ghost, his eyes looking between Sunwoos erratically, probably waiting for Sunwoo to say he's just joking, but he never says the words.

“Damn,” Changmin says, a little breathless. “Am I that boring?”

Sunwoo knows what he's doing, and he goes to say something else when Chanhee bursts into the room on a mission. 

“There you both are, can you believe Eric?”, he says as he sulks over to Sunwoos bed and lays right on top of them. Changmin is still looking at Sunwoo, but Sunwoo breaks eye contact first. He’s scared if he looks at Changmin too long he’ll find something he’s not ready to hear.

Tears are streaming down Sunwoos face as he laughs hysterically at Juyeon and Eric, the pair screaming and shivering after they fell straight into the Han river. 

The group decided to walk around Hanang park by the Han River after finishing their group practice for the night before heading home and Sangyeon and Younghoon had run to the closest convenience store to grab everyone some snacks. Juyeon and Eric had both asked for Triangle Kimbap and then ran off to the water's edge to get a better look at the view, their first mistake.

Sunwoo, Chanhee and Haknyeon were in a deep discussion about a show they were watching together when Sangyeon and Younghoon returned with the snacks. Sangyeon went over to the pair by the water, where they had begun taking pictures of each other in an impromptu photoshoot when Sangyeon told them there was only one Triangle Kimbap left. Chaos broke out after that, because God forbid they share. Juyeon snatched the snack from Sanyeon and Eric’s first response, for some reason, was to tackle the elder boy. They went tumbling into the freezing cold river, the kimbap long gone.

Chanhee and Haknyeon ran over to Sangyeon to help the boys out of the water but Sunwoo was too busy clutching his stomach to be of any help. They crawl back onto the pavement with the help of a couple of the boys, shivering and spluttering and the only person still laughing at this other than Sunwoo comes over to join him where he's sitting on a park bench.

“I feel so bad for laughing, but the look on Eric's face as they tumbled towards the water is playing on repeat in my head,” Changmin wipes the tears out of his eyes.

“Me too, I think this is my favourite thing to have happened this year.” Sunwoo replies. “But since I feel bad I’m going to go to another convenience store and get them both kimbap.”

“How sweet of you,” Changmin coos. 

“Yeah,” Sunwoo giggles, and then holds out his hand towards Changmin.

Changmin looks at his hand and then back up to him in confusion. “What?”

“I left my wallet at home,” Sunwoo smiles innocently. Changmin scowls at him so Sunwoo brings out the big guns, he juts out his bottom lip and widens his eyes and then says, “Please” in the most sickening voice he can.

Changmin continues to stare at him for a moment and then scoffs and moves to the side to pull his wallet out of his pocket. “I’m going to buy them a snack… he said. Changmins going to buy them a snack he means,” He mutters under his breath as he shoves the wallet into Sunwoos hand.

“Thank you, hyung,” Sunwoo’s voice is still dripping in honey.

“Yeah, yeah. Go before you’re the next one in the water,” Changmin says and Sunwoo gets up and jogs away, he knows Changmin is serious. 

Sunwoos tired eyes squint under the harsh fluorescent light of the convenience store, he pulls his hat down further to lessen the strain, and also because a group of teenagers walked in behind him and he wants to be cautious. 

He locates the triangle shaped snacks and grabs two, and then two more for him and Changmin because why not. Changmin was buying anyway. He walks over to the register and gives the worker a once over, she’s cute and she looks completely bored. Sunwoo snickers when the boys in front of him stumble over themselves as they purchase ramen.

When he steps up she doesn’t even look at him, just raises her eyebrows at the amount of kimbap he was buying. He would’ve said something about it but he gets distracted by the disorganisation of Changmin's blue Ryan wallet. He searches for his debit card and finally finds it so he whips it out quickly as he feels the clerks eyes on him, but something falls out of his wallet in the process. 

“Sorry,” He says and passes her the card, bending down to pick up whatever he dropped.

It looks like a white piece of paper as he bends over and picks it up, going to put it away when he flips it and sees it's a polaroid. It’s of him and Changmin, on the first day they met. Changmin had long hair tucked back under a cap and he has his arm around a small, nervous Sunwoo who is holding up a peace sign.

He remembers the day clearly. He was worried about what they would all think of him, a small, scrawny teenager who stumbled over all of his words. Changmin was terrifying to him, all hair and brood and no smiles, little did he know. The first thing he noticed was Changmin's serious facial expression as he danced, and his serious expression was reflected in the picture. 

Eric had bounced up to them with his pink polaroid and Sunwoo immediately felt fondness over the small boy. He claimed to take pictures of all the new trainees with Changmin since he was the first, another fact that scares Sunwoo, and swears up and down Changmin will thank him one day.

Later, Eric texted him a picture of the polaroid in case he wanted to keep it and Sunwoo thanked him. Out of curiosity he asks if Eric is keeping the raw polaroids for some project and Eric responds with,

_no, changmin hyung wanted to keep it_

Sunwoo forgot about that.

But now he’s holding it in his hand, and it fell out of Changmin's brand new velcro Ryan wallet.

“Dude,” Someone says in exasperation. Sunwoo blinks once, twice, three times, and then looks up towards the voice. It belongs to the guy standing behind him, holding too many things in one hand. The guy gestures to the clerk and he looks back to find her staring at him blankly, holding his -Changmin's- card.

“S.. Sorry.” Sunwoo stutters over himself, his tongue heavy in his mouth. 

He tries to push this discovery to the back of his mind as he hastily grabs the snacks and makes his way back across the park.

_Changmin hyung wanted to keep it_

_Changmin hyung wanted to keep it_

_Changmin hyu-_

There’s no underlying reason as to why Changmin carries around an old polaroid of them, he thinks. He might have the others in his very thin wallet, too.

“Took you long enough, damn,” Changmin says from the park bench he left him at. Juyeon and Eric had joined him, snuggled in everyone's jackets combined. Chanhee didn’t look too hot from where he glares at the pair from his spot on the grass.

Sunwoo passes the snacks to Juyeon and Eric and then turns to Changmin, who is holding his hand out expectantly, the way Sunwoo was doing earlier. Sunwoo stares back at him, his mind running with the implications of Changmin carrying around a polaroid of them in his wallet.

Changmin raises an eyebrow at him and Sunwoo dumbly says, “What?”

“My wallet.” Changmin snickers. 

“Oh. Oh, right. Here.” Sunwoo says dejectedly and hands him the wallet. Sunwoo suddenly feels a thousand times lighter. “I got you this, too.” He says and then passes Changmin the kimbap.

Changmin makes a pleased surprised noise and takes the snack, thanking him in the process. Sunwoo nods and goes to sit on the other bench with Kevin and Jacob but he circles back when he clenches his fists and feels the polaroid still laying heavily in his palm.

For some reason it makes Sunwoo angry. Changmin carrying around a polaroid of them, close to him, for years and years and not saying anything? The possibility of Changmin returning his feelings makes his legs feel weighed down and the thought didn’t make him as happy as it would have that morning, instead it makes his chest constrict in an ugly way. How dare Changmin keep this from him, and most importantly, was Sunwoo really that blind?

“Here,” He snaps. “You dropped this.”

He shoves the polaroid into Changmin's startled hands and twists on his heels. He plops down next to Kevin, who is not paying any mind to his presence as he and Jacob go through the pictures they’d taken of the members. He lets himself look at Changmin once, and tries to swallow the feeling of satisfaction he gets as he looks at the way Changmin is staring down intensely at the polaroid, cradled sweetly in his hands. It confirms something to Sunwoo, that he definitely didn't possess the polaroids of the other members on him at all times, just the one of them. Flags are raised, alarm bells are ringing, and Sunwoo forces himself to focus on the sound of the wind.

Sunwoo lets his eyes wander and he meets Chanhees eyes. His friend sizes him up curiously, and then looks at Changmin the same way. He looks back at Sunwoo and they maintain eye contact as he gets up and sits next to Changmin, putting his hand on Changmin's shoulder. Chanhee asks if he's okay and Changmin quickly flips the polaroid over and slips it back into the wallet before he smiles at his same age friend reassuringly. 

Sunwoo looks away.

Sunwoo knows he’s being irrational and unfair, but being self aware doesn't mean he’s going to fix it. He lets himself wallow in pettiness and despair, tells himself that he's valid for doing so and ignores the voice in his head.

Every time Chanhee stares at him or Changmin avoids him he feels himself growing more angry. Jacob is starting to catch on so Sunwoo avoids him now too, and the whole thing is weighing heavily on Sunwoos shoulders. It’s been four days since Han River, and Changmin hadn’t spoken to him even once, opting to sleep in Chanhees room under the excuse that Chanhees bed was comfier. Days stretch on and he finds himself wanting time to speed up.

Sunwoo is exhausted again, he hasn’t slept more than a few hours a night since Changmin started avoiding him and it’s only in the darkness of the night that he admits to himself he needs Changmin in more ways than one. He misses him, and he feels terrible for the way he spoke. But then the purple light of dawn casts over his blankets and Kevin starts banging around in the kitchen and he stops feeling sorry for Changmin and starts feeling sorry for himself again.

He thinks he's getting away with it, too. Thinks that this is the new norm and there's no way his members are going to notice the distance between the two best friends but then Sunwoo and Changmin are partnered for a move in their new choreography and Changmin’s dejected face is the last straw before Chanhee snaps.

It's after practice when Sunwoo is taking a shower at the company and Chanhee, who has no concept of privacy, pulls open the shower curtain and reaches in, cruelly ripping the warm comforting hug the water was giving Sunwoo away.

“Excuse me,” Sunwoo says and reaches to turn the water back on. He hisses when Chanhees hand reaches out and smacks his own.

“What is your problem.” The problem in question asks. 

Sunwoo laughs incredulously. “My problem? You’re the one who is choosing to look at my naked body right now.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Chanhee says and Sunwoo mocks offence. “I’ve been waiting for you to come to your senses and talk to Changmin, or at least talk to me, but you’re being as stubborn as ever and I’m taking this into my own hands now.”

Sunwoos heart drops at the mention of Changmin's name, but he schools his expression and rubs the soap out of his eyes. “Okay, that's very noble of you, but I am literally naked right now.”

“That’s not my problem,” Chanhee deadpans.

Sunwoo drops his gaze to look at Chanhee up and down, biting back a laugh when he lowers his voice and says. “You’re right, but I can make it your problem.”

Chanhee sputters and reaches behind him for Sunwoos towel, suddenly looking everywhere but down and throws the towel roughly into Sunwoos chest. He pulls his hoodie over his blushing face and mutters something about meeting Sunwoo in his studio under his breath before he disappears behind a slammed door. He moves so fast he practically leaves smoke in lieu of his presence. 

Sunwoo laughs and starts drying himself off, albeit slowly. He wants to drag this out for as long as he can before he’s forced to face his demons. 

Sunwoo realises belatedly that he left his backpack with his spare clothes in his studio in a haze of distraction and curses under his breath. He reaches for his phone to ask Chanhee nicely if he could bring the bag to the bathroom and then remembers his phone is in the front pocket of said missing bag. So he mans up, tightens the towel around his waist and makes a run for it.

The members see him in towels almost everyday, that's not his fear, it's the poor staff he would rather not run into. Both for their sake and his, the thought is mortifying. He moves quickly through the hall, gripping his towel tighter when he hears a whistle coming from one of the open rooms he passes that sounds suspiciously like Sangyeon. He makes it safely to his studio in minutes, the run from the bathroom to his studio was enough to air-dry his hair.

Chanhee still can’t look at him when he walks into his room and Sunwoo decides to have fun with him before Chanhee strips him of his dignity. He drops his towel before he reaches for clean clothes and Chanhee squeaks, falling face first into Sunwoos bed.

“Seriously,” Chanhees yells, muffled by Sunwoos pillow on the makeshift bed in the studio.

“Gays are so pathetic.” Sunwoo says once he's dressed and throws his wet towel over Chanhees head as he sits down next to him.

Chanhee sits up and scoffs. “The pot calling the kettle black,”

“You’re just being rude now.”

Once he's dressed he sits himself on his desk chair and faces Chanhee, who is still laying on his side and is stroking one of the plushies that made its way in there. Sunwoo has no idea who that belongs to.

“You are very confusing to me,” says Chanhee.

“Thank you, it's all part of the illusion.” Sunwoo grins.

“What illusion? The dumbassery? Because I don’t understand why you’re acting like this when you just found out Changmin might very well return your feelings.” Chanhee says incredulously. “I mean, you like him, right?”

“Yeah,” Sunwoo says under his breath. He realises with a start that he’s never admitted it out loud before.

“So then why, pray tell, are you acting like the most obnoxious person in the world?” Chanhee asks.

“Please,” Sunwoo huffs, “How can you say that when we’re in a group with Hyunjae?” He says, and as if on cue, Hyunjaes loud voice is heard yelling from somewhere in the vicinity. 

“You’re worse, if Hyunjae was in your place he’d have gotten on one knee and proposed to Changmin the minute he found the polaroid.” Chanhee says, and Sunwoo knows his attempt at changing the subject failed. He doesn't know why he’s still trying. “Now tell me why you’re self sabotaging.”

"I didn't even say anything to him," Sunwoo insists.

Chanhee stares at him. "It's about subtext, now speak. Why are you self sabotaging?"

“Because,” Sunwoo starts and he knows he’s not going to be able to stop once he starts, maybe he should apologise to Chanhee in advance. “This is dangerous, feeling like this for him is dangerous and when it was just me, when I thought it was just me who felt like this, it felt comfortable, safe. It felt nice crushing on him. But now he might like me back and I don’t know… it's scary.”

He stops and sucks in a breath, Chanhee has stopped playing with the plushie and is listening actively. Sunwoo is so glad to have him in his life.

“It’s scary because we can’t be together as individuals or as idols and especially not as group-mates, there's so many risks. And I think it's the most scary because I’ve never had someone care about me like this. No one has loved me, given me their full attention, no one has ever truly fully known me and has still been attracted to me, and I feel like I don’t deserve it,” Sunwoos eyes widen as he says the words, because until he started talking he didn’t realise he had felt like this. He hadn’t let himself think further than anger. “I don’t know how to love someone, either. I don’t want to disappoint him and I don't want to let the team down by causing drama.”

“Oh, Sunwoo,” Chanhee sighs and kicks his leg gently to hit Sunwoos. “Do you think maybe he’s feeling the same way? You should talk to him.”

“No, he hates me.” 

“He doesn’t hate you Sunwoo, stop being stupid.” Chanhee moves the plushie so it looks like the plushie is talking to him and Sunwoo snorts, flicking the toy in the nose.

“Then why is he avoiding me?” Sunwoo bites his lip.

“Because he thinks _you_ hate him,” Chanhee deadpans. Was that meant to be obvious to him?

Sunwoo frowns. Still feeling uncomfortable over being vulnerable earlier, he makes a weak attempt to lighten the mood by saying, “What do you know that I don't?”

Chanhee kicks him again, harder. “Stupid, listen to me. He knows you know about how he feels, and you were quite mean about it, he probably thinks you hate him for liking you and he’s embarrassed. You know how he feels but he has no idea how _you_ feel, his only idea from you is hostility. He probably feels rejected.” Chanhee explains.

Sunwoo curses and rests his head back on his chair. He hadn’t even considered how Changmin might be feeling, too caught up being selfish in his own head and he knows these hypotheticals Chanhee is throwing out are true, because Changmin has most definitely spoken to him. This is Chanhees way of saying what he said without saying it, but Sunwoo hears him loud and clear.

“You’re right,” He says. He ignores Chanhees _“I know”_ and continues. “I didn’t even think about his feelings. See! How am I meant to be a good boyfriend to him when I’m already failing before I’ve started.”

“Sunwoo, this is your first potential relationship, no one knows what the hell they're doing the first time around. You make mistakes and you learn from them, it’s natural and it’s okay.” Chanhee says and picks the plushie up again, playing with it casually as if every word he’s saying isn’t blowing Sunwoos mind, and excuses, out the window. “So please, talk to him. I can’t deal with him in my bed one night longer he kicks in his sleep.”

“Fine,” Sunwoo sounds unconfident. Chanhee raises an accusatory eyebrow at him. “I will!”

Sunwoo decides to take up camp in someone else's room after Changmin walks into a glass door trying to avoid him at the company later that day. He told Chanhee he would talk to him, but the minute he saw him walk out of the elevator he aborted the mission.

Sunwoo has never had to do this before, where is he supposed to start? Probably with _“Sorry I was dick to you and made you feel awful about yourself it’s just that I’m an aries”,_ or something.

When he was younger, specifically before debut, the member he’d go to the most for comfort was Juyeon. The man had a comforting sense about him, and he gave the best hugs. He’d listen to whatever problem Sunwoo was facing and if Sunwoo didn’t want to talk he’d tell him about his childhood while playing with Sunwoos hair. Sunwoo thinks in another life Juyeon is his brother.

He’s already made himself comfortable in Juyeons bed when the older member comes into the room fresh out of the shower and he doesn’t ask any questions as he slides in next to Sunwoo. Once he pulls Sunwoo close and the younger can hear the steady rhythm of Juyeons heart he says, “I have to do something that may shift the very dynamic of this group.”

Juyeon snorts. "Hey, Sunwoo." Sunwoo fights off a purr as Juyeon starts playing with his hair. “For good or bad?” He asks.

“I don’t know, hopefully good.” Sunwoo answers. Neither of them say anything for a couple of beats and so Sunwoo says “Hyung?” To see if juyeon is still awake. His answer comes in the form of a hum. “If it was for the bad, would you hate me?” Sunwoo hates the way his voice sounds when he asks that.

Juyeon cuddles Sunwoo closer to his chest and kisses him on the top of his round head and says, “Yes.”

Sunwoo swats Juyeon in the chest and huffs out an incredulous _hyung!_ Before settling back down into his chest with a pout. He can feel Juyeon laughing and has to fight back a grin of his own.

“Of course not, Sunwoo. But please try not to do that because it’ll be really hard to love you if you do.” Juyeon says and Sunwoo rolls his eyes. “I don’t think it’ll be for the bad, though.”

Sunwoo considers telling him. “You don’t think so?”

“I know so.” Juyeon says.

Sunwoo opens his mouth to ask how he’s so sure when a sleepy voice interrupts them from the bed next to Juyeons. Younghoon.

“You fell in love with an idiot, Sunwoo.” He slurs. Sunwoos mouth drops open and Juyeon bursts out laughing. “Now go to sleep, you’re not whispering as quiet as you think you are.”

One day Sunwoo will work on that part of his brain that processes emotions and go to therapy or something. Today is not that day. 

They’re practicing for the end of year awards and Sunwoo, Changmin and Hyunjae have to work together for a difficult move. The choreographer is working with the three of them until they get it down and the rest of the group are taking their break. Sunwoo wishes they’d do break things like stretch or work in small groups or watch youtube videos but instead they’re all watching him intensely. 

He knows now that most, if not all, have figured out something is happening between Changmin and him and every time they have to work together he can practically hear them all hold their breath. 

Including Hyunjae, which is really screwing Sunwoo up.

“Come on guys, focus.” The choreographer says after Sunwoo takes a running start and avoids Hyunjae acutely instead of leaping up and over him. 

“Sorry,” Sunwoo says and shakes out his shoulders. He gets into position again and hesitates, again, and Changmin is fed up. 

“Hyunjae, switch with me,” He says. 

“What?” Sunwoo, Hyunjae and the choreographer say in unison. And Eric from the other end of the room, followed by a whack and a yelp.

“Switch with me. Sunwoo is obviously hesitant about hurting you, I’m stronger than you so it'll give him more confidence.” He says as if it should've been obvious. 

It wasn’t, if Hyunjae's scandalised gasp has anything to say about it. 

Before either of them can protest the choreographer pats Changmin on the shoulder and says, “That's a good idea, actually. Changmin is more technical than Hyunjae.”

Hyunjae turns dramatically to face the rest of the group, “Anyone else in the audience want to insult me while we’re here?”

Changmin gets into position and looks over his shoulder at Sunwoo expectantly. “Man up and get it over with.” 

Changmin's unsaid words are clear as day and Sunwoo has to put his tongue in his cheek to stop himself from saying something he’ll regret. He wants to go home, and he can tell everyone else does too. Fear of disappointing the group further than he already has takes over and so he steps back, takes a deep breath and then leaps. 

Sunwoo is waiting for Changmin in their room when they get home and he can’t stop himself from saying, “What the fuck?”, the minute Changmin steps into the room. 

Changmin is taken aback for a second, he quirks his head in confusion before his eyes settle on Sunwoo, and then understanding rests in place of bemusement. “Hi, Sunwoo.” He answers. He sounds tired. 

“Why did you do that today?” Sunwoo asks.

“You were hesitating because you didn’t want to hurt Hyunjae, so I fixed it.” Changmin shrugs and meets Sunwoo’s eyes for the first time in days. Sunwoo forgets what they’re talking about for a second. 

“No.” Sunwoo says in defiance.

Changmin looks at him incredulously. “Sorry? No?”

“No. Whenever this happens before you just call for a break and give us pep talks and support us, you never make us switch positions. At least not without trying first. So, why did you do it?” Sunwoo ignores how crazy he sounds for knowing exactly what Changmin does during practice. 

“People change,” Changmin says. 

_Tongue in cheek, tongue in cheek, tongue in cheek._

“You hurt Hyunjae's feelings,” Sunwoo attempts weakly. 

Changmin rolls his eyes and Sunwoo feels a small spark at the pit of his stomach, Changmin has finally dropped the nonchalant act. 

“He’s fine,” Changmin deadpans and then crosses his arms, meeting Sunwoo’s eyes evenly. “You obviously hate me, so I thought you’d be less hesitant to do the move with me because you would care less about hurting me.”

Sunwoo is shocked into silence. He feels like Changmin just personally punched him in the gut and it takes everything in him to not curl into himself in pain. “Changmin-“

“And I was right, because you did it.” The fire in his voice has died and he sounds tired again. Sunwoo hates himself. “Perfectly, might I add.”

“No!” Sunwoo insists. He doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s too far in over his head but Changmin is standing in front of him fighting off tears, under the impression that Sunwoo hates him and disregards him enough to the point of violence, and Sunwoo hates himself. 

“How could you think that- Why would I-“ Sunwoo scrambles for words, he feels like there's water in his lungs. “Changmin, why would I hurt you when I-"

_When I love you._

Changmin's face falls and suddenly he’s in Sunwoo’s space, he’s touching him and Sunwoo can't breathe. _Just say it,_ he thinks. 

“Hey,” Changmin says, voice panicky. “You have to breathe, okay?” 

Sunwoo can smell his cologne, feel his hand on his cheek, and Sunwoo feels like the waves are drifting him away. 

“Sorry, I’m so sorry,” Sunwoo manages to get out. He tries to come up with something else and falls short. The past few weeks are crashing down on him finally, the sleep deprivation seeping into his pores. “I’m sorry,”

Changmin shakes his head and envelopes Sunwoo in his arms. Sunwoo prays to god Changmin won’t move away. “I’m sorry for acting like I have, I’ve been a dick.” Sunwoo manages to say, swallowing his pride.

Changmin smiles and pulls his ear fondly. “Don’t strain yourself, big guy.”

Sunwoo laughs. “Hey,” He whines. “I mean it,”

Changmin snorts. “I know. I’m sorry, too.”

Sunwoo pulls at his lips nervously, “What? For what?”

Changmin lets go of him and stands away from him and Sunwoo curses his stupid mouth. Sunwoo watches the way Changmin bites the inside of his cheek, he feels light-headed when Changmin flashes a smile at him, the corners of his lips not meeting his eyes. 

“Don’t make me say it,” Changmin's voice is strained. 

“I’m gonna have to make you say it, sorry.” Sunwoo pulls at a loose string dangling out of his sweater, scared about hearing what Changmin has to say.

If Changmin tells him he has feelings for him like Chanhee says he does, his whole world is about to change. Nothing between them will be the same, nothing between the group will be the same, and he's going to have to face risks. He’ll have to tell his family, and he’ll have to hide this from the fans, something he is not good at whatsoever.

Most importantly, if Changmin confesses right now, Sunwoo has to as well, and this is something he’s never had to say before. He should've been more prepared for this.

“You’re not sorry. God you are annoying, why did you have to choose me.” Changmin mutters to himself and although Sunwoo hears him loud and clear he bites his tongue in anticipation. 

“I love you, Sunwoo,” He says, and it's like the words shock them both with the way they both suck in a breath. “But I think you know that.”

“Please stop overestimating me,” Sunwoo croaks around the lump in his throat and the stone in his stomach, “It’s sweet but I’m really dumb.”

Now it's Changmin's turn to say, “What?”

Sunwoo bites his lip again, wincing at the slight metallic feeling. He wants to say something, anything, but it's as if some little minion is holding Sunwoo’s voice box hostage. Changmin sighs and rubs his hands together nervously. “For awhile I thought you felt the same way and then.." He trails off. Sunwoos minion is tying a bow. "You don’t have to answer me right now, and whatever you’re feeling just know that there’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m your best friend before anything else, you can talk to me.”

Sunwoo can’t take it anymore, he has to close the distance, he needs to feel Changmin's skin on his once more. He crosses the room and grabs Changmin's shaky hands into his and takes a deep breath. Time to be brave.

“Changmin, I am so sorry. I wasn’t mad at you and I don’t hate you. I’m sorry for being harsh about the polaroid, I was just scared because I love you, and the thought of you returning my feelings made everything much more real and I was scared because I couldn’t control it. And then you started avoiding me and it made me mad,” Sunwoo stops to suck in a breath and Changmin manages to whisper _sorry_ which only urges Sunwoo on. “No, stop. I was angry at myself, not at you. Never at you,”

Changmin shakes his head once, looks at Sunwoo’s lips, shakes his head twice, looks back into his eyes. Sunwoo has never felt lighter. Changmin doesn’t say anything, Sunwoo thinks that maybe his confession had spat out his little minion and it had started taking hostage of Changmin but then he surges forward, his hands on Sunwoos cheeks, and Sunwoo can't think about anything else except his lips on Changmin's.

Sunwoo thinks that this must be some sick dream, he’s going to wake up and not be able to look Changmin in the eyes, but he should know by now that there's no way he’s asleep, at least not long enough for him to dream. This knocks some sense into him, _this is happening,_ he thinks, and then kisses Changmin back with vigour.

It startles Changmin and he pulls away quickly, still holding Sunwoos cheeks. “I’m sorry, are you sure you-” Sunwoo doesn’t let him finish. He crashes their lips together once again and Sunwoo wonders how he made it this long in life without this feeling. Swapping saliva shouldn’t feel this good and he's never done drugs but he thinks this is how ecstasy feels. 

At some point Sunwoo pulls away to breathe. He realises they’ve somehow made it onto Kevins bed and makes a mental note to never tell him. Changmin grunts and rushes out something like _What are you doing_ and then goes for Sunwoos neck.

“Breathing,” Sunwoo says around a gasp.

“Well don’t,” Changmin bites.

“Sorry?” 

A hoarse whisper escapes Changmin as he looks at him in the eyes again. “Kiss me,” he licks his lips and says, “ _Please,”_

Sunwoo does as he’s asked but it’s only moments later when they hear Kevin and Younghoon return home and they have to pull away before they’re caught in a compromising position. They’re unable to open their eyes, their foreheads pressed together, their hands on cheeks, necks, thighs.

“I love you,” Sunwoo says. Now that he’s said it he’s never going to stop.

“Thats embarrassing.” Changmin giggles and tears himself away from Sunwoo before Kevin catches them, standing up and moving to feed his fish with heavy steps. Sunwoo still can’t stand. “I love you, too.” Changmin continues. Sunwoo can’t see his face, but from this angle he can see his dimple and he can tell he’s smiling by the lilt in his voice.

“Awe, I love you too,” Kevin says as he enters the room and kicks off his shoes. Changmin looks at Sunwoo with wide eyes. Neither of them heard him come in. “Nice try though, I get the first shower.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i dont know what to say here besides i wrote half of this from my work computer instead of doing my actual job, and the other half during exam week... i dont recommend that 
> 
> thank you for reading feel free to let me know what you thought in the comments or by leaving a kudos


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